Warning: Not for mature audiences!
Why do professional rodeo kayakers have such small boats?
Actually, it's just an illusion.
The boats are normal size, but the professional rodeo kayaker's head is much bigger.
Did you hear about the slalom kayaker that missed all 25 gates on both runs, plus one more?
He got 5150'ed.
Did you hear about the new kayak that's made out of gouda cheeze?
It will stink until it displaces its weight in water.
So will the last joke.
I just finished watching some how-to-roll videos. I'm a bit confused; I know what the French position is, and the Greek position, but what is the Finnish position?
What is a professional rodeo kayaker's love life like?
He has to get in all the moves he can in 45 seconds.
Kayak Surfer to Surfer Girl: "When I look at you I get an eight inch swell from the south."
Surfer Girl: "Yeah, but only at six seconds."
Why are creek boats better than playboats?
Creek boats hold more beer.
More Kayak Jokes:
Wokingham Canoe Club
PDX Sea Kayaker
Paddleguides.com
Ken's Kayak Humor
Finally, this kayaker joke should offend almost anyone.
IN PRISON—they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK—you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN A PRIJON—your family can't find you and your friends can't hear you over the river.
IN PRISON—all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK—you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN A PRIJON—you pay your expenses by working the month that the river is down.
IN PRISON—you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK—you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN A PRIJON—you don't need to go to bars; rafters are more than willing to toss you a Bud.
IN PRISON—you are warm and dry.
AT WORK—you get wet and cold before getting warm and dry again.
IN A PRIJON—well... you will be wet and cold.
IN PRISON—there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK—they are called managers.
IN A PRIJON—they are called rapids.
IN PRISON—you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK—you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN A PRIJON—you spend most of your time in a 6x1 boat.
IN PRISON—you get three meals a day.
AT WORK—you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN A PRIJON—you survive on gorp, powerbars, and instant lentils.
IN PRISON—you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK—you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN A PRIJON—your reward for good behavior is the rocks quit hitting you on the head.
IN PRISON—a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK—you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN A PRIJON—you must keep your grab loop out in order to open the door.
IN PRISON—you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK—you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN A PRIJON—you fire the TV and life becomes a game.
IN PRISON—you get your own toilet.
AT WORK—you have to share.
IN A PRIJON—you just pee in your wetsuit. If you're like me you do this above a class IV.
How do we know that Jesus wasn't born at the raft expedition campground?
If you searched the whole campground you wouldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
How is a one day class V rafting trip like paying for sex?
It costs about $100, and you hope that the rubber doesn't break.
How do rafters refer to kayaks?
Speed bumps.
What is a rafting guide's love life like?
He barks out instructions while working from the rear.
How many rafting guides does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in wet sleeping bags.
What's the difference between a tuber and a treasury bond?
A treasury bond will eventually mature and earn money.
What is another name for an inner tube?
A Type 'O' PFD.
James barely beat out one other contender to secure the last place slot
on the Yakima High School varsity kayaking team.
One day he is eddied out on the river when a leprechaun comes floating down the river,
screaming for help. After he pulls the leprechaun to shore,
the leprechaun says "OK, you've got me, so I owe you three wishes.
But I'm getting old, and I don't know if I can still grant three wishes in one day.
So I'll give you one wish now, and one wish each evening for the next two days."
James says: "Great. I want to be a better paddler than I am now."
When James goes to school in the morning he finds himself the lead paddler on the kayaking team.
In the evening the leprechaun returns, and James' wish is "I want to be an even better paddler than I am now."
In the morning James wakes up to find that he is the lead kayaker on the U.S. national team.
In the evening the leprechaun returns for the last time, and James wishes "I want to be an even better paddler still."
In the morning James wakes up to find that he is the last place paddler on the Yakima High School junior varsity canoe team.
More Canoe Jokes:
A blonde in a canoe
Canoe Humor
Canoe Jokes, Kayak Jokes, Quirky Bits and Homespun Philosophy
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a canoe and drink beer all day.
Until I saw the movie "Path of the Paddle", I thought that the term "souse-hole" meant something completely different.
Remember ladies, canoeists have the most complex strokes.
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Why does the crew from Boston always beat the crew from NYC?
The crew from Boston has five guys rowing and one guy yelling.
Inter-Regional Scale of Whitewater Difficulty
Class I: If you get out of your boat,
you just get back in your boat and your friends all laugh at you.
Class II: If you get out of your boat, you grab your boat and paddle, swim to shore,
and your friends all laugh at you.
Class III: If you get out of your boat, you get bruised a little,
your friends gather up your boat and paddle and they all laugh at you.
Class IV: If you get out of your boat, you get the crap beat out of you,
it takes your friends awhile to find your boat and paddle, and they all laugh at you.
Class V: If you get out of your boat, your paddle is never seen again,
one of your friends gets to keep your boat, another keeps your significant other,
they split your life insurance, and all laugh at you.
Class VI: If you get out of your boat, it's unpredictable what happens to you and your gear,
but one thing is sure: your friends will all laugh at you.
I recently started carrying my cell phone on the river for safety. Now it spends its time scanning for Verizon lines.
I bought a rope bag before I took a river rescue course, so I kept it in the back of my boat where I wasn't likely to strangle anybody with it.
What's the difference between Coors Light
and Cache Creek water?
About 65¢ a can.
But Cache Creek water should cost more, because it gets you high faster!
Find a place on a busy river where there are two playspots in close succession. Place a paddler at each spot. When a raft comes by, the upstream paddler tries to knock as many people as possible off the raft. If he doesn't get them all, the downstream paddler tries to pick up the spare.
This fun sport is based on Irish Hurling. Make two 'H' shaped goalposts, with the bottom portion six feet square. Get one of those floating water balls. Divide up into teams, and get into your boats with your standard paddling gear (no armor, scuba gear, brass knuckles, saws, etc.) If you hit the ball through the bottom of the goalpost you get three points, and if you hit it through the top portion you get one point. Physical contact between players and between boats is allowed. If you maim somebody, and you weren't trying to play the ball at the time, you are penalized by having to sit still for thirty seconds. There are no substitutions allowed, even in cases of injury.
Feel Left Out?
Surfer Jokes
What's the difference between a kayak instructor and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
All last year I kept running into the same kayak instructor almost every weekend.
I mean, if I was paranoid I'd think he was following me around.
Then about this time of year I quit seeing him.
But I finally ran into him last weekend and asked him where he'd been.
He said that he took some time off to do a jigsaw puzzle.
Astonished, I said "You mean it took you a year to put together a jigsaw puzzle?"
He said "Pretty good, huh? On the box it said three to six years."
Why didn't the kayak instructor cross the road?
He couldn't find the proper ferry angle.
How many kayak instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but there isn't one who can't change the mantle on a Coleman lantern when it's pitch black out.
Last spring, three kayak instructors were camping on the river.
One said "Next weekend it'll be Easter."
Another said "Great! I can't wait to see what presents Santa brings me."
The other one said "That's not Easter, that's Christmas.
Easter is when everyone has a picnic in the park, and they shoot off fireworks."
The first one says " No, that's Independence Day.
Easter is, well, about two thousand years ago,
our lord God sent his only son Jesus Christ to Earth to save us from our sins.
He was born of a virgin,
and he was persecuted from the day he was born.
So he spent thirty years living underground, educating himself,
before he began his ministry that only lasted three years.
First he fasted in the desert for forty days and forty nights to prepare himself,
then he lived among the common people, teaching about forgiveness, redemption, and love for our neighbor,
while he healed the sick, fed the poor, raised the dead,
walked on water, and turned water into wine.
But he was betrayed by one of his disciples,
and the Romans captured him, gave him a mock trial, and sentenced him to death.
He died on the cross and was buried in a tomb.
He spent two nights there, but on the third day he rose up out of the tomb.
And if he sees his shadow he goes back in and there'll be six more weeks of wintry weather."
This kayak instructor is giving an early morning private lesson on Chili Bar.
He tells the student to follow him,
and while they are negotiating a rapid they suddenly release a lot of water from the dam.
Suddenly the student is stuck in a keeper hole.
The instructor throws him a rope, but forgets to hold onto the other end.
Then he tries to walk out to the student using a paddle to make a tripod,
but the paddle breaks and, well, they both drown.
So they inevitably arrive at Saint Peter's Gate.
After waiting in a long line, Saint Peter explains:
"We have a problem here. No, it's not beacuse you weren't good.
If you want Santa Claus, go to Macy's.
Yes, I know He said He was going to go to prepare a place for you,
but with all the terrorism lately we're getting a little behind schedule here.
We're going to have to send you back to Earth for about a month.
You can be anything you want, as long as it's not human."
The student says that he wants to be an eagle,
and the instructor says that he wants to be a stud.
So Saint Peter sends them back to Earth.
A few weeks later Jesus & Saint Peter are talking.
"Where are those kayakers we didn't have room for last month?"
"Look at Mount Lassen. In the thermal over the Northeast side."
"OK, that's the student. Where's the instuctor?"
"In Anchorage, Alaska... the stoplight by the bank...
the black Cadillac parked there...
He's in the right rear tire."
Moron-has a potential mental age of between 8 and 12 yearsSo then what does a kayak instructor say when you call him a moron?
Imbecile-having a mental age of three to seven years
Idiot-having a mental age not exceeding three years
"You moron!"
"You imbecile!"
"You idiot!"
"You kayak instructor!"
How do you get a kayak instructor to stop bogarting a good
play spot?
Wave at him.
Did you hear about the authoritarian kayak instructor? He had a stern draw.
Why do kayak instructors rarely drown?
Their heads create giant air pockets.
Did you hear about the K.I. that did drown? Somebody dropped
a scratch-and-sniff sticker into a class VI river.
A kayak instructor went to the bar last Friday night.
He approached every woman in the joint,
but each time he stated his occupation every one of them found an excuse to walk away.
So in the morning he starts thinking about how he gets no respect,
and how he's got to make some changes in his life.
So he gets up and goes to a store.
In the store is a young woman with a tag on one side of her blouse that says "Wendy".
He points to it and says "that's cute, what did you name the other one?"
Not knowing how to respond to that she says "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like to buy a canoe."
"You're a kayak instructor, aren't you?"
"Why yes, how did you know?"
"Well, for one thing, we don't sell canoes here in Radio Shack."
A kayak instructor moved to southern California,
rented an apartment on the beach,
and started giving surf kayaking lessons.
When he wasn't on the waves he was doing the beach party scene,
having the best time that a kayak instructor could imagine,
until one week when several young women knocked on his door
to complain that they were carrying his child.
When he was visiting his doctor to get his shoulder anti-inflammatory medication refilled,
he happened to mention his predicament.
The doctor said "I'm not sure if this is what you need, but here's someone who does abortions.
Just mention my name and he might give you a quantity discount.
In the meantime, have you ever thought about a vasectomy?"
"Vasectomy, what's that?"
So the doctor explains about vasectomies.
"That sounds great, what does that cost?"
The doctor gives a rough cost estimate.
"I can't afford that, I'm a kayak instructor."
"Oh, that's right, you're a kayak instructor.
Here, I know something that should work.
I want you to go home, sit down, drink a few cans of beer,
put an M-80 into one of the empty cans, light it, hold it up to your ear, and count to ten."
"No, that'll hurt my ear."
"No, trust me, I'm a doctor.
Just make sure you're sitting down and it won't hurt your ear."
So the instructor goes home, drinks a few beers, puts an M-80 in a can & lights it,
holds it up to his left ear while he counts on the fingers of his right hand:
"One, two, three, four, five"
Then he pauses in a state of confusion, looks at his left hand, puts the can between his legs,
and continues counting on his left hand:
"Six, seven, eight..."
A navy seal was ocean kayaking on his day off.
God looked down and said,
"I know these navy seals are all hand-picked, and are extremely intelligent.
I wonder what would happen if I lowered his I.Q. to 100."
The seal continued his powerful forward stroke without a hitch, so God said,
"Here, I'll lower his I.Q. to 75."
The seal began talking as he paddled: "The elements of the forward stroke are:
pre-rotate the torso,
plant the paddle,
apply power using torso rotation,
and lift the paddle out of the water."
So God lowered his I.Q. to 35.
The seal began singing "From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli."
Finally God said, "let's see what he can do with one brain cell."
The seal began repeating: "Azure gubernator eye vill bolance zee boodget vy cooting talk-zez."
What's the definition of artificial intelligence?
When a kayak instructor quits and gets a real job.
This kayak instructor is running the Middle Fork American River.
He sucessfully runs Upper Ruck-a-Chucky and eddies out to portage Ruck-a-Chucky falls.
As he hits the shore he notices a man sitting there in the lotus position chanting
"seventeen, seventeen, seventeen...".
The instructor asks: "what are you doing?"
"I'm meditating. It makes me more fluid, spontaneous, and precise when I'm on the river.
Maybe you should try it!"
The instructor sits in his 'yak and chants "seventeen" for a few minutes.
Then he says "I don't feel any different".
The meditator advises "I've found it easier to achieve while floating mindlessly down the river without a paddle".
So the instructor chucks his paddle onto shore, hand-paddles out into the current and down the class VI rapid.
The meditator picks up the paddle, walks over behind some bushes, tosses it on top of a pile of gear,
sits down again, and begins chanting "eighteen, eighteen, eighteen..."
This kayak instructor goes into the library, walks up to the counter, and says "I'll take a big mac, a small fries, and a hot apple pie." The librarian replies "excuse me, but this is a library." The K.I. says "Oh, sorry", then he whispers "I'll take a big mac, a small fries, and a hot apple pie."
When my father was getting on in years, he became a bit demented.
He had had some small strokes, and might have had Alzheimer's also.
His family practitioner sent him to a specialist to investigate alternative treatments.
So my stepmom took him to Springfield to see the neurosurgeon.
They were told it is now possible to do complete brain transplants.
But since the procedure is experimental, medicare would pay for the surgery,
but would not cover the cost of the brain itself.
So they went to Saint Louis to talk to an organ broker.
They were shown a few different brains in his size.
They had the brain of an atomic scientist for $7,000.
A geneticist's brain was going for $9,000.
Finally, they were shown a kayak instructor's brain.
"Now you're talking, how much is that one?"
"$29,600."
"That's ridiculous. Why does the kayak instructor's brain cost so much more?"
"Well, it's obvious—that brain has never been used!"
So they go back to Springfield to see the neurosurgeon.
They explain that they cannot afford any of the brains that were available.
The surgeon tells them that it may not be necessary to replace the entire brain.
My dad was given a PET scan to identify the parts of the brain with the most aluminum.
Now all they needed was three ounces of brains to replace the bad parts.
So they drive back to Saint Louis to get some brains.
They were shown some lawyer's brains for $200 per ounce,
and some architect's brains for $250 per ounce.
Finally they were offered some kayak instructor's brains at $1100 per ounce.
"Are they more expensive because they've never been used?"
"Well it's not just that. Do you have any idea how many kayak instructors it
takes to get an ounce of brains?"
A few weeks later a kayak instructor shows up at the neurosurgeon's office.
"All my life I've wanted to be an atomic scientist,
but I don't seem to have the horsepower for it.
I'm afraid I'll never amount to anything other than a lowly kayak instructor."
So he had the atomic scientist's brain installed.
The operation was successful at first, but then some complications arose.
The brain rejected him.
Why do kayak instructors wear sandals?
So they can count past ten.
Why did the kayak instructor drop his pants at the blackjack table?
He needed to count to 21.
How do we know that women are smarter than men?
A female kayak instructor can count to 22.
This kayak instructor has a nasty ride down a very bony rapid.
After he bounces off the last rock, he rolls up and starts checking out the damage.
His friend comes over and asks if he's all right.
"No, it hurts everywhere!"
"Everywhere?"
"Yeah, look. When I touch here (pointing to his nose) it hurts.
When I touch here (pointing to his elbow) it hurts.
When I touch here (pointing to his shoulder) it hurts.
When I touch here..."
"I know what the problem is. See, your finger's broken!"
Back when George W. Bush was in prep school, they gave all the students aptitude tests.
They called W in to talk to the guidance counselor,
who told him that they had found the perfect career for him.
"Given your interests, skills, and level of intelligence,
we feel that you would make a great kayak instructor."
So he goes off to take his first kayak lesson.
They give him the safety lecture where they talk about paddling in groups,
how to wet exit & swim, and the whistle, hand, & paddle signals.
W. thought he understood all this, but he got into a bit of trouble in his first rapid.
He held the paddle horizontally above his head, but his boat didn't stop.
So he goes back to the guidance counselor who tells him
"There is only one job that we know of that you could be successful at, but it's hard to get.
It would help if you knew someone who is in politics."
And the rest, as they say, is history.
A busload of kayak instructors was headed to a river rescue class when it ran off a cliff.
Every person on board was either killed or taken to the hospital unconscious.
After the ambulances were gone,
a patrolman and a detective were trying to figure out what happened,
when they noticed a rather confused looking chimpanzee scurrying about.
The conversation went like this:
"Hey, Fred, why don't you ask him what happened."
"Yeah, right! Hey, were you on this bus?"
To their amazement, the chimp shook his head yes.
"Do you know what happened?"
Again the chimp shakes his head yes.
"Was the bus forced off the road?"
This time the answer is no.
"Did the driver fall asleep?"
Another no.
"Was the driver distracted by something?"
A yes.
"By something on the road?"
A no.
"By something inside the bus?"
A yes.
"Can you tell me what was happening?"
The chimp mimes the action of raising a glass to his
mouth.
"They were drinking? Anything else?
A yes.
"Well, what then?"
The chimp grabs the patrolman and starts waltzing
around.
"They were dancing? What else?"
The chimp pinches his thumb and index finger together and holds them to
his lips while breathing in strongly.
"They were smoking pot? What else?"
The chimp makes some pelvic thrusting motions.
"Oh boy! And what were you doing while all this was going
on?"
The chimp turns an imaginary steering wheel.
Out in Lake County, there's a place where there's six houses in a circle
with their backs facing their shared cesspool.
How do you tell which house belongs to the kayak instructor?
It's the house with all the boats in the garage.
If you understood that you should get this:
Why did the kayak instructor get fired from the M&M factory?
He kept eating them cause they're better than the food in his tent.
Last Friday, a kayak instructor blew three months salary on a modest cubic zirconium ring,
then took his girlfriend out to dinner at a fancy restaurant (Arby's) and popped the question.
On Saturday, he's stopped on the river having instant lentils for lunch with his students,
when his new fiance rang his cellphone.
"My parents would really like to meet you. Can you do dinner tonight?"
So before dinner they are relaxing in the future in-law's living room.
He is being careful to show affection toward the parents and the little brother.
Even the beloved family dog takes a liking to him and follows him around.
While they're sitting he discovers, rising from the depths of his soul,
an unignorable reminder of his gourmet lunch.
So he decides to utilize a technique known to all civilized men,
one which George Carlin refers to as the 'test fart.'
This involves emitting a controlled amount of gas
so the effect upon others of the full release can be evaluated.
The carefully metered contribution was detected by the mother,
who looks at the dog and in a concerned tone exclames "Fifi!"
So, thinking that he has someone to take the fall for him,
the K.I. lets loose with the entire gaseous contents.
Mom again looks at the dog and says "Fee-fee!
Come over here before he craps all over you."
This kayak instructor was waiting for his turn on a surf wave,
when a raft goes through the wave and a young woman is thrown out the back,
unnoticed by her companions.
The K.I. pulls out after the screaming girl.
He has her grab the back of his boat, tows her to shore,
and then picks up the exhausted beauty and carries her to the beach.
She thanks him for helping her, as she never really learned to swim.
As he is carrying her, she looks into his eyes, full of admiration for the man who saved her,
and as he looks back she says: "You know, I've never been kissed before.
Would you kiss me?" So he lays a big kiss on her.
Then she says "Oooh, that was so nice. You know, I've never been screwed before."
So he throws her back in the wave train and says: "There, now you're screwed!"
Why did the kayak instructor throw 100 $10 bills out his truck window?
The sign said "$1000 fine for littering."
Interesting note: I put the joke about the girl falling out of a raft on this page
a couple of days before someone died in a similar manner on Cache Creek.
The day after that tragedy I was loading up boats at a take-out
next to a "$1000 fine for littering" sign, when I found a $10 bill.
I looked around for Rod Serling but I didn't see him.
Two kayak instructors get to a place where the river goes around some blind curves.
Some people are eddied out & they hold their paddles horizontal-like over their heads.
One of them tells the first K.I.: "You can't go down here. There's a tree across the river."
The second K.I. asks: "Well, can I?"
I know a couple who are avid boaters, and all four of their kids want to be kayak instructors.
Last week Caltrans put a sign up by their house that said "SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY".
So the above family is out on the river, when the children all need to,
shall we say, 'change the water'.
So they get out of their boats, and the kids all scatter off to different bushes.
About fifteen minutes later they all walk back to their boats at the same time.
Dad said: "what took you so long?"
Their littlest child Virginia replied: "well I was watching.
Willy's was so small it took a long time to find it,
Peter's was so big it took forever to get out of his pants,
and Jack had to stop and play with his."
Why did the touring kayak instructor keep the morning after pill in his first aid kit?
In case the rudder breaks.
Why did the kayak instructor have bruises on her belly button?
Because her boyfriend was a kayak instructor too.
Where did she get these bruises?
At the slalom contest, on the scoring table.
How did her boyfriend do in the slalom?
He got penalized fifty seconds for missing a gate.
What did the kayak instructor write on his boat to help him in the slalom?
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25"
A kayak instructor who lives in Santa Rosa was going to give a lesson on the Russian River. He was running late, so he threw his gear in the back of his truck, and took a shortcut onto the freeway. When he got past Windsor his cell phone rang. His wife said "be careful, I just heard on the radio that there's some imbecile driving the wrong way on the 101 freeway." The instructor replied: "Shoot, honey, there's not just one, there's hundreds of them!"
This kayak instructor had some cancellations after the World Trade Center bombings, so he volunteered to help out with the rescue efforts. He's wading through the wreckage when he finds a croissant in perfect condition. He stuffed it into his pocket, and is now offering it for sale. For $1000 you can buy a bombproof roll!
Some of the jokes here were told to me by someone who heard them from Phil DeRiemer. Since this is what got me started on this project, if you become offended by any of these jokes next Saturday, send some flame mail to Phil. Otherwise, if you have a paddling joke, send it to david@davidlark.net, and if it meets my standards (which are obviously rather low) I'll put it on this page.
This page mostly written by David Lark,
but on some of these I'll share the blame with Phil Harlan.
Many jokes were adapted from those which circulate in our culture.
Credit for individual contributions is embedded as comments in the source code —
choose 'source' from the view menu.
Created 2002
Revised 12/12/2004